Straightening Basic Relationships 父母との関係

Photo by Masahiro Masuno

I have been so irritated since this morning. I know the reason. When I was meditating last evening, I had a vision of the Korean Peninsula and realized that I have to face the dark emotions I had been trying not to see--relationship with my Father.

Before meditating, I had checked my email and had another message from Marie and Nathan. They gave me the information of homework that I could do to better prepare me for India. The main part of the homework is, to straighten out the relationship with parents. It starts as follows;

Imagine one parent as they are conceived in the womb of our grandmother. Feel how they felt as they matured in the womb, were born into the family of our grandparents, and grew up in their family. Experience their feelings as they matured, had romances, and finally conceived us. Feel the sacrifices they made for us. Feel how they felt when we were born, grew up, and left home. Feel what they felt when we hurt them. Ask their forgiveness. Ask their blessings. Repeat this exercise until the love flows freely between us and parents.

My mind had shut this out immediately when I read this, because the information was something it didn't want to see or hear or do. When I got a message from them about the distance deeksha, gratitude flooded out instantly. This time even gratitude couldn't seem to find a way up my heart--that was serious! Mind does some tricks! So I meditated. Then the deepest of my consciousness gave me this vision of Korea! Oh, Bhagavan, do I have to do this now? I really don't want to. It is too painful.....

Actually Korea was the place my Father was born. My grandpa was sent there as a government worker and went to the WWII from there. He was born during grandpa's absence since grandma got pregnant right before grandpa had to go. My Father was already 3 years old when grandpa came back. Grandpa never had a chance to see the cutest years of his first son, and he remained a rather formal and distant father than affectionate. Grandma was also a type who almost never showed warmth or affection. My Father never experienced being loved.

I have never been able to forgive my Father who has been selfish and abusive (emotionally and sometimes even physically) since my childfhood. Yet when I look at the way he was raised, I realize that he had never known warmth, kindness, the deepest of love. He didn't know any other way. There was nothing he could do about it, it was not his fault. All the love he could have given to my Mom, to me, or to my brothers, he didn't know what to do because he had never received any.

Looking back, whatever trouble I had in relationships especially with my husband, it all goes back to the relationship with my Father. Many of the arguments we have, it is when I see my Father in my husband or when I see the side of myself that I don't like in my husband. And the side of myself that I don't like is exactly like my Father!

This work is going to take me a while. There is so much to see. I have only touched the first clue, and I feel stuffed now. I will take it slow and will work out eventually. At least, I will not avoid looking at it anymore. Because I want to love, because I know my Father is also Bhagavan and Amma's child just as I am. I really want to see that.

今日はどうしたことか、朝からイライラが続いている。いや、原因はわかってるんだ。昨日瞑想中に、突然朝鮮半島の映像が浮かんできて、ついに私がずーっと避け続けてきた一番見たくない問題を見なければいけないのだとわかったから。父との関係。

実は、瞑想の直前にメールをチェックしたとき、アンマの生誕お祝いの遠隔ディクシャについて教えてくださったアイオワのディクシャギヴァーの方からメッセージが入っていた。今度は何だろう、わくわく、と思いながら開けてみると、宿題と題して取り組むといいワークをいくつか教えて下さっていた。そのメインが、父母との関係を見直しなさい、というもの。親が祖父母から生まれ、２人の元で色んなことを感じながら育つ様子をイメージの中で見る、というワークが第一の課題。

見たくないものなので、はいはい、と言う感じですぐにマインドはすぐにシャットアウトし、そのことを考えもせず瞑想に入った。遠隔ディクシャのことを教えてもらった時は感謝の心がすぐに湧いてきたのに、今回はそれも脇においや られている感じ。マインドって、ほんとに巧妙に働くものなんだね。そしてでてきたのが「韓国」。ひぇー、バガヴァン、どうしても今これをみないとダメ？見たくないよ。痛いよ。

韓国は、実は父が生まれた場所。気象台に勤めていた祖父は、韓国に配属され、そこから出征、祖父の留守中に父は生まれたのだった。祖父が帰ってきたのは父がすでに３歳になってからだったと聞いている。生まれたてのかわいい数年を知らない祖父は父に対して事務的で、そして温かい感情をほとんど見せない祖母との間で、彼は愛情を知らずに育ったのだろうと思う。

私は、横暴で自己中心的な父親を、幼いときから許せなかった。母に暴言を吐き、彼女が泣く姿を見て育った。私が竹刀でめちゃくちゃに叩かれたこともある。でも、そんな彼の育った環境を見ていくと、彼は温かさや優しさを知らなかったんだということが見えてくる。どうしようもなかったんだ、母や私や弟たちに対して、与えられるはずたったものを、幼い彼は一度も与えられた事がなかった。だからなんだね。。。

考えてみると、今の私の人間関係で、トラブルがあったとき、よく見ればいつもそれは父との関係に戻っている気がする。夫と喧嘩するのは、決まって私が父に見ていた嫌な部分を夫に見てイライラするときか、または自分自身の嫌な部分を彼に見るとき。そしてその彼の中に見た嫌いな自分は、父とそっくりなんだよね。。。

あぁ、このワーク、とっても時間と労力が要りそう。まだまだその最初の部分を触っただけで、もうお腹いっぱい。ウン十年も抱えてきた暗くて醜い心のうち、少しずつ見ていく事にするよ。少なくとも、避ける事はもうやめる。ずっと父を嫌いだと思っていたけれど、彼も私と同じ、アンマとバガヴァンの光の子のはず。やっぱり彼のこともちゃんと愛せるようになりたいから。